Name Change

I renamed the blog.....why you might ask? Because with a name like Grammatico , i have listened to countless people pronounce my last name wrong for over 35 years and I picked my favorite mis-pronounced name as the new blog title. Enunciation = jer-matt-ih-coal ! BOOM!

change.........

A little over 4 years ago, I met this girl....she is funny, smart , and beautiful. Interested? Well, you will have to wait another 10 years. And then you will probably still not get a chance. Because this is my daughter, Ella.
Let me give you a little background. Ashley and I have created a blended family. I have 2 biological daughters and Ash has one. We do not call them step children but we call them "bonus" children. Now, let me set the record straight right off of the bat, blended families are not easy. They require work, diligence and more importantly , they require more love. You see , we all came into this family with preconceived ideas, morals, virtues, and thoughts. And now we bring all of those under one roof and have to keep it all under control without explosion. You could say that Ashley and I are required to be dynamic managers of talents, love,gifts, love ,money, love, abilities, love, attitudes, love, differences, and yes, love. Do you see a theme?
Now, back to the matter at hand, Ella! This young lady has come into my world and rocked it. I believe if there is one thing that I have learned from her it is that I am a very prideful and selfish person, most of the time. it is always my time, my thoughts, and my time that get impeded on. The problem with all of that is the word "MINE". it does not fit into the theme of our blended family, "LOVE". She has stretched me to love, stretched me to look outside of myself, and stretched me to be better.
I am incredibly thankful for this young girl in my life. She has been awesome but you know how I want to end this? Today is her 8th birthday and I want to say:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLA!!!! Thanks for loving me!

Relaxation

So I am in day two of my vacation and , as I get older, it has become more increasingly difficult to relax while on vacation. I go with the full intention of enjoying our daughters and my wife, some good food, a great book, and know that I have no responsibilities. But and it is one huge BUT......I don't know how to relax. I have spent 35 years being stressed out and always having my mind running.
So here is the new deal, I want to clear my mind, clear my minds "inbox", and put away my anxieties. And it all starts right here in my reading of Matthew 11:28:

" Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest".

I am insanely heavy laden in this point of my journey but as Ashley said to me on our drive to the beach, "It isn't the destination that matters but enjoying the journey that gets us there.". Man, I love that woman.
So here is to a new outlook:
Here is to not being so stressed out, here is to letting our kids relax, here is to letting my wife love life, here is to loving my God, and here is to the journey, not the destination.

Party over here , Party over there......

So next Thursday, July 16th, something really cool is happening in the art district of Charlotte called NoDa. The collaboration between the Surles fam, Scott Miller and Jeff Shinabarger is bring a GiftCardGiver party to Charlotte. What is a GiftCardGiver party, you might ask? Well, here is a synapse of what is going to happen. This excerpt is from the invitation that Kenneth Surles sent out on Facebook.
"With $15 Billion worth of gift cards going unused in America from this year alone the non-profit Gift Card Giver has decided to do something about it, collect unused cards and give them to people in need.

To help them out with this brilliant idea, Jess and I, along with Scott Miller, will be hosting one of the organization's popular "House Parties" on Thursday, July 16th at 7:00 PM at our home in NoDa, Charlotte, NC. There will be a wide range of card games, snacks, desserts, drinks and good times for all. Come to meet some new folks who want to bring tangible change to the world, flex your UNO muscles, or display your calm cool and collected domination of Jenga.

The only requirement is everyone gets "Carded" at the door. In order to gain access you haveto bring a gift card (from anywhere) with any balance (large or small). Cards collected will go to benefit the Habitat Family from Parkersburg, West Virginia.

You do not want to miss this opportunity to have fun and do good!

Check out the official invite here:
http://www.giftcardgiver.com/charlotte/ "

SO there you have it. Cool huh?

Well, here is one more tidbit on this whole thing. Everyone seems to have some gift card laying around in a drawer that has unused money on it. In fact, I have a Target card in my car with $1.18 on it and it is going to the party. Ashley and I would like to collect unused gift cards to take to the party. So if you can't come, I want you to think about mailing them to us or meeting up with us so we can collect the cards. Portions on the cards can range from 1 cent up to a billion dollars (BTW, if you have a gift card with a billion dollars on it, we need to become better friends :) . Send me an email at grammatico1@gmail.com to get our address to send them or to arrange for us to pick them up.

Peace!

Fast for Darfur - Day 1

Fast for Darfur - Day 1 from Ryan Grammatico on Vimeo.

Here we go ...Day 1! Join us!!!

Do you see what I see?

What do you think when you see this picture? I see potential, I see hope and loss at the same time, I see anger, I see confusion, I see a kid who should be watching LeBron instead of killing, I see a child who should smile instead of making a grimacing face, I see a child who should be holding a skateboard instead of an assault rifle, and I see that I can't take this anymore.
I am joining the fight, the only way that I can right now.

I am going on a three-day water-only fast next Wednesday through Friday (May 20-22), and would like for you to consider joining me. There are several things from which you can fast – it doesn’t have to be a water-only fast. You can fast from meat, alcohol, coffee, or even TV – pick something you love and go without it. The point is to be constantly mindful of the people of Darfur during this time. Every time you experience a hunger pang, or start to crave whatever it is that you’re fasting from, say a prayer for Darfur.

But don’t stop there. Tell your friends, ask them to join you, and ask them to tell all their friends and family about this terrible humanitarian crisis. Send letters to our president and members of Congress. Send letters to the editor of your newspaper. Send letters to TV stations. This is a chance for us to raise our collective voice for the orphans, widows, and outcasts of our world. I hope you’ll join me. (via Steve Cook's blog, but it's my hearts cry, as well)

I am tired of seeing the fighting , the hurt, the killing, and the lack of smiles in Darfur.

Daniel McCollum (click here for Daniels take)and myself, are joining our incredible friend , Steve Cook,(check out his blog here) for a time of prayer on Wednesday at noon at the Billy Graham Library Garden, here in Charlotte, NC. PLEASE COME JOIN US FOR AN HOUR OF PRAYER.

Directions to Billy Graham Library


2 Chronicles 7:14 : And my people, my God-defined people, respond by humbling themselves, praying, seeking my presence, and turning their backs on their wicked lives, I’ll be there ready for you: I’ll listen from heaven, forgive their sins, and restore their land to health.

Check out my video for a personal invite!

Mrs. Grammatico

Every once in a while, we cross paths with people who impact our lives. The past few blogs have been about some of those people in my own life. Well, I have intentionally saved the best for last. Webster defines the word, unconditional, as not limited by conditions; absolute. My bride is the epitome of the word unconditional. Nothing I did won her affection and it seems, as stupid as I sometimes am, nothing I do now can lose her affection.
On the day that we married on February 3, 2007, she read vows to me, but what set those vows apart from any other promise, was the look in her eye. It SCREAMED, "unconditionally Ryan"! She is the first person in my life that when she says she loves me, I believe it. Not that other people don't love me but that I really , truly, and earnestly believe it when she says it. She has taught me so much in these past years. She has taught me how to focus better, how to love better , how to be more compassionate, how to communicate better, how to parent better, and how to be a better friend and spouse. She stretches me, pushes me, hugs me, holds me, encourages me, prays for me, and is never scared to call me to the carpet for anything in my life. This woman has been the greatest gift from our Creator that I could have ever hoped for. Every night, we fall asleep with my arms around her and when we wake up, her arms are around me. EVERY TIME! That's what I'm talking about!
I can't get enough of her laugh. When i make her smile , I feel like I can do anything. I love sitting across a room and watching her interact with people, because I know that those people are better off now that she is talking to them. Hearing about her passions strengthens my desire to give her the world. She always puts other people first and if you know her then you know that this is true.
My wife has this habit of leaving me a card and telling me about little things in life, about her love for me and just how she sees us.
When my wife is quiet, she is beautiful. She has this strange way of saying a thousand things without uttering a word.
The coolest thing about her is the vitality that she brings to life. not just our life, but every life that she comes in contact with. It is mind blowing to me.
I am writing this because I wrap up this "who inspired me" blog point with the one person who has impacted me more than anyone else, and that person is, ladies and gentlemen.....Mrs. Ashley Grammatico. I love you, babe!

GOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!

I have taken a little blogging break to get my head right but now, I am ready to go! In this next installment of "You Changed My Life", we have Jonathan and Kayla George. These two knuckleheads were just a couple of newlyweds living in NoDa, enjoying life, until they invited me in as a roommate nearly 2 1/2 years ago. They opened up their home and more importantly their hearts to me. You see, I was in a very tough place in my life. I had been divorced for roughly about a year and I was stretched so thin on finances that when my lease ran out on an apartment that I was living in, I wasn't sure where I was going to turn.Well, that is where these guys stepped in. They asked if I was game to move into their finished basement(which I really enjoyed, I even had my own bathroom :)). I accepted and that's where the fun came in. I worked so much to try to make ends meet that I was beginning to wear down. And then, they did something really cool. They lowered my rent. May not be a big deal to you but if you were trying to pay child support, car payment, college loans, and trying to get out of credit card debt then this would be huge to you. A few months go by and I remember J, K, and I having a conversation and they decided to let me know that they weren't going to take any more rent from me at all. Free housing! I mean, seriously??
And money wasn't the only thing that they lent to my life. They quickly became two of the best friends that Ashley and I could ever ask for. I remember Kayla and I having a heart to heart about both of our messy pasts and how the future seems so much more brighter with Jesus in control. I remember Jonathan screaming at the top of his lungs when his fave futbol (soccer) team, scored a goal. I ran upstairs and thought he was hurt but in fact, he was jumping around like a school girl in love. Which by the way, Jonathan has taught me to appreciate soccer. I was of the mindset that soccer was for girls and boys who couldn't play football. but he taught me and showed me through countless games and convos that now I am a fan. Go Arsenal!! Needless to say, the thing that has always blown my mind about the maturity of this couple is that they are also our YOUNGEST friends. Their wisdom, heart, and compassion far outweighs their years of life.
These two are heading to Malawi in July to help bring relief to one of the poorest countries in the world. Jonathan is going to use his head and combine all three of his passions: Kayla, soccer, and Jesus. You can donate to their cause on their website. We are excited about Skyping with them, seeing what God does in their lives, and about seeing them come back someday and then seeing what God has in store for them next. But I end this love fest, with a HUGE thank you to the George's for loving me just because I am me!


PS---I had to hijack this pic from their website because finding a picture of Jonathan George is as rare as a Mickey Mantle rookie card. He is not a camera fan! :)

I Want To Be Tim When I Grow Up

OK, Tim may kill me for this!! But it has to be done because I seem to have no pics of him at all. So I did what any normal 4th grader would do, I looked online. I went to Goodsearch and here is what I found. But in all seriousness, I wanted to express who Tim Abare is to me. Tim has a story ,(like most of us do, or we wouldn't be here), a story that is cool , and very intricate. So detailed in fact, that I have a feeling that I don't even know the half of it. But his story is what seems to have led him to be who he is today. Tim went through a rough (underexxagerated) time in his life and through his dealing with issues and coming to a growing intimacy with Jesus, and also the prayers of an incredible wife., he overcame. I see Tim as a successful businessman, a father to out-of-this-world kids, a great writer,a devoted husband, , leader in his faith community Watershed, a humanitarian, and a follower of Jesus who has accepted who he is in this world. And that is who I want to be. Tim has given me counsel on various occassions and everytime he has, I have taken something away from it that has changed my life(close your eyes and picture....... :)). The scary thing about Tim is that we are, in my eyes, very much alike. I love my wife, Jesus, children, Brennan Manning and John Piper, and eating. We are both uncomfortable in public settings but come off as VERY comfortable. He and his wife are so different but that is what makes them incredible, just like Ashley and myself.

One way for sure that Tim has challenged me is by his families desire to give away more than they keep financially and of themselves. That's our dream as well. To get to a point where we can give , and give, and give and live, and live, and live.
All I know is that Tim has learned from mistakes in life and has allowed God to work deep within him to make the necessary changes to be who he is today! And that is who I want to be.

Rich?

I was reading this morning about what rich means. There were so many ideas in this world of what rich truly means but it got me thinking about my definition of rich. I used to put a monetary amount on it but after meeting the McCollums, I have learned that a dollar total doesn't equal wealth. Yesterday, Ashley and I went to North Point Community Church to hear Daniel and Jamie speak to Daniel's father's church about their hearts for global mission. But................Daniel threw the crowd a screwball. After Daniel and Jamie, both shared how God brought their hearts to a point of caring for the world's poor and hurting, Daniel then turned the message to a point of missional living. But the thing that really got me was when Daniel spoke of "Intentional Sacrifice". Defined, intentional sacrifice is when we invite discomfort and inconvenience on ourselves because we have chosen to follow Jesus down to a certain path. And that made me rethink about what we are up to as a family. We have been kicking around this idea of what it would like for the Grammatico family to move from the suburbs to a disenfranchised area of Charlotte to help bring some hope to hopeless situations. Well, none of this thinking and change of thinking would have been possible without the McCollums. We have walked side by side over the past 3 years and have seen each of our lives change. It is so cool when you see God doing the same things in your own life that He is doing in other peoples lives. I have watched as Jamie's smile has brightened up our days during rough times, as her love for my wife has grown Ashley in wonderful ways and how she has been an incredible bride to my main man, Daniel. And then there is Daniel. A guy who I have sat across from a lunch table and plotted to take over the world(for Jesus of course!), a guy who I have talked sports, love, religion, politics, and every other thing under the sun, someone who has helped position me as a leader and husband for a better way, and someone who has always taught me to think. I love these two people with all of my heart and I know without a doubt that we are a better family for having them in our lives.
PS----These two incredible people are giving up western living for a year and they are going to spend a year living in Blantyre, Malawi. You can read about it on their Malawi website. Read it and I urge you to give to their cause.

Poor

A friend of mine, Steve Cook, put on his Twitter feed yesterday this tweet, "I spilled some soup on the stove tonight and was so mad! Then I remembered that millions of people don't even have soup to burn. Reality." Steve has been a guy that I have been with for about 3 years. We got to know each other by leading  a BLOC at Watershed called The Man Show. Steve was an awesome leader who taught me a ton about actually being a man. What happened shortly after that is truly inspiring. He tells an awesome story of gaining a burden of wanting to be a modern day abolitionist and justice crusader. I have watched Steve from a distance and up close, as he has turned his non-profit Equitas  into a substantial vehicle to bring relief to difficult areas in this world. As you reference Steve's tweet above, you see how reality set in after a few moments. And that is the incredible power of movement of God's Spirit pushing and prodding people to be an example of Jesus in this world.

But what Steve has done has brought me to this realization that as Western thinkers, we have no idea what poor even means. So as I was reading this morning, I came across this excerpt from Robert Murray M'Cheyne:

"I am concerned for the poor but more for you. I know not what Christ will say to you in the great day....I fear there are many hearing me who may know well that they are not Christians because they do not love to give. To give largely and liberally, not grudgingly at all, requires a new heart; an old heart would rather part with its life-blood than its money.Oh my friends! Enjoy your money; make the most of it; give none away; enjoy it quickly for I can tell you, you will be beggars throughout eternity".

Ouch! What you hold onto says a lot about who you are. And we, as Americans, hold on to so much and tend not to give. Or worse, we give with a sad heart. THAT IS NOT GIVING! Check out Steve's website, Equitas, and take the chance to be different than the status quo.

Leading means sometimes failing

Great video from Craig Groeschel via TonyMorganLive.com via TallyWilgis.com


Bookie from LifeChurch.tv on Vimeo.


My biggest leadership flaw is the fear of failure. But over the past year, God has brought me so far along in this only through one method...FAILING! In one of the biggest flops of my life, I now am a better husband, father, friend, believer, and leader. The transparency that I now have is crazy open.

When I watched the video above, Craig said "I am not a failure, I failed, but I am not a failure...God is going to teach me something in this". That was the lesson....I can fall, and fall, and fall but what matters is that I Try, Fail, Learn, and Adjust.

I can't wait to take Bailey, our scared to ride a bike 4-year-old, outside and teach her this life lesson. not just so she will learn to ride but that throughout her life she will be able to LEAD!

Copying but worth it

I was reading Matt Willmington's blog this morning and it blew me away. Men used to look at me awkwardly about why I was so adamant about my restrictions with female contact but, my history, requires it. So I am re posting his blog here for everyone to see so that maybe a man or woman will see something in their life that needs to change to better their spouse or themselves.

Locking the rooftop door.

Posted on February 13, 2009 by willmington

One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace.

2 Samuel 11

It may seem like a strange sentiment, but this Valentine’s Day I am checking over the following list of ways to “lock the door to the rooftop.” No specific temptations in my marriage. I am just very grateful for my godly, beautiful wife of 21 years. I’ve watched too many friends and church leaders fall. I know my own weaknesses and don’t want to ever be arrogant when it comes to assessing my moral strength.

I once had a pastor who built some specific fences in his life. He’d tell the congregation “if I’m driving in a rain storm, and one of you ladies is broken down along the road – I’m not stopping for you!” We all laughed, and it seemed a little extreme. But we knew what he meant. He dearly loved his wife, and would err on the side of caution to stay away from temptation. These “rooftop door deadbolts” may seem a little legalistic – that’s ok, because they are MY deadbolts.

What are yours?

1. What Internet pictures/content am I viewing, lingering on?
2. Am I following or connecting with any women inappropriately on Facebook, Twitter?
3. Am I communicating inappropriately with any women through email?
4. Am I communicating inappropriately with any women through texting?
5. Which women have my cell phone number?
6. Am I socializing singularly, or growing a close friendship with any women?
7. Am I spending time counseling any women alone?
8. Am I working too closely with any women on staff?
9. Am I looking at, or thinking about women inappropriately?
10. Who are the men who hold me accountable spiritually for my moral life?
11. Is my wife aware of my struggles, weaknesses?
12. Do I look at my wife when we talk, do I watch her?
13. Do I daydream about my wife?
14. Do I listen to my wife when she is sharing her thoughts?
15. Do I show physical affection to my wife?
16. What plans, visions do I have for my wife’s life?
17. Do I work to help my wife grow spiritually?
18. Do I work to add value to my wife’s life?
19. Do I empower my wife to pursue her dreams, passions, interests?
20. Do I pray with my wife?
21. Do I serve my wife?
22. Do I help my wife parent our children?
23. Do I protect my wife?
24. Do I lift, carry my wife’s burdens?
25. Do I build my wife’s self-image with affirming words?

Matt was the first person who showed me how to take an interest in a teenagers life and it transformed me. I know that these standards will as well. Thanks Matt

I LOVE MY WIFE!!!

R

Elephants and Antjie Krog

So I just wrapped up Don Miller's To Own a Dragon and the ending was an incredible insight into grace for me. Check out this little excerpt (I feel awkward for plagiarizing),
"And I heard the term before,Wounded Healer. Yet, I had never applied the term to my life. It makes you wonder, doesn't it, whether or not God calls specific people who have specific pain to the authority of empathy? Experience is, after all, the best education. I am the one who will wrestle with security, I am the one who will overcome my fear of intimacy, I am the one who will learn the hard task of staying with a woman and our children, I am the one who will mentor others through the difficult journey of life, perhaps rescuing them from what I have been rescued"...
I took creative liberty to change some of this to make it more personal to me. As I went back and put "I am the one" in bold, I realized that I was leaving something out. Yes, even though it is understood, it must be said. God is the one who kept me through all of the junk in my life. Junk that must be used to help someone else. Too many people use their own junk selfishly. But thankfully, Don Miller didn't. And I will not either. The question is now, what do I do with it. Is it just talking one on one, is it being involved in a group and leading them through it, or even starting an organization for men and people who need this.
The prayer is that God takes the junk and molds it into something beautiful, like pottery. I heard somewhere that He is considered a potter...sarcasm intended.
But through pain comes joy. A rose bush becomes beautiful only after it is pruned. If it goes untended then it becomes overgrown with a bunch of stuff that stunts its growth and beauty.
I have been pruned and fed with a gracious God, THE MOST INCREDIBLE WIFE, ASHLEY, an incredible amount of genuine friends, and the strength to overcome me, to not be me. Livin the dream

Economic Crunch

Images of what has become in our culture! It may seem tough for some people but for me , at this moment, the economy is not my concern. What is my concern? My understanding that I realized last night that I wonder if I really KNOW Jesus? Cognitively, yes. Am I His follower?yes. but the truth is if He walked through my front door to talk to me and He said "remember the time I"....I am not so sure I would know what He was talking about. Sobering and motivating. He said "ask and you shall receive, knock and it shall be opened to you". I get glimpses of who he is but I want so much more.

G.I. Joe

I am very excited for the release of the GI Joe movie (this coming summer). And that little tidbit has nothing to do with today's post.
I went to Dr. Bowker's (Chiropractor) office yesterday and I want to give you a time line of the events:
a)I walk in and sit down I was greeted by the usual ..always chirpy,happy,enthusiastic,genuine nurses.
b)Read a good little bit of To Own a Dragon (still awesome). Saw some incredible stuff about decision making. He learned some incredible lessons through learning how to play chess.
I realized that noone has ever taught me how to make decisions. I have always leaned on my own circumstances and feelings. And sure, that can work sometimes, but it definitely explains some of the hiccups along my journey.
c)I get led into Doc's office to wait while he is with a patient. And I keep reading.
d) Doc walks in and asks how I am doing. The following is the dialogue:
I reply,"I just found out the key to life".
Bowker: " Oh yeah, what's that"
Me:"Making the right decisions"
Bowker: "How do you make the right decisions"?
Me:"You have to be taught how".
Bowker: "Very true"
Bowker: "The best decision you can make in your life is to tell the truth"
Me:"Wow"
Bowker: " And we must also forgive people, starting with ourselves"

BOOYAH!! This guy is no joke. I walk through the office, eyes misting, and I get in my car and cry. I have NEVER been able to forgive myself for much in my life. I am great at giving grace and forgiveness to others but I have an incessantly troubling time forgiving or accepting God's grace on my own life. That is until now.
Miller writes that his life changed the time he was in the IRS office and he was told that he owed 17,000 dollars in back taxes. At that point, he realized that he was never taught about good decision making processes. And that is what has blown me away today. Decision making is important and I was never taught the right way to do that. But Doc showed me the two best decisions that I could make was to always tell the truth and forgive myself. 34 years later and I get it!

Dads pt 2

So last night, we went and watched Madagascar 2. And guess what the theme of this movie was? Alex's relationship with his father and his fathers expectations for who he should be as an Alpha male lion. It hit me in the face. I never had a dad to put expectations on me so guess what happened? I made up my own expectations and ideals based on what I knew and that was based on 2 things: my friends dads and television and movie dads. So it was in that, I realized that no wonder my foundation was messed up. I mean when it's Michael P. Keaton's hippie dad, Ricky Schroeders rich dad, or even Punky Brewsters adoptive father, Henry; I never had a chance. Expectations were too high to be Rambo, Michael Jordan, or even Matt McLean(Manly, high school friend). But it was in the midst of the struggle in that movie last night that I looked in front of me and I saw a great expxression of God's love for me. It was a dad and his young son watching the movie together. The dad had his arm around him and was showing him awesome amounts of affection and ya know what? The son couldn't have been happier! And that showed me that God lets me curl up in His arms( metaphorically ) and we can just sit and watch and enjoy each other. So my motive are now reshaping into what a man is and I am really starting to enjoy this life. it is opening me up into a new creation. And isn't that what Paul was talking about when he said"all things are made new". It's a process. Just like sanctification(I know, big church word). But it literally means to be set apart. And I am letting that happen. being set apart from what I was to what God wants me to be...livin the dream!

Dads

I grew up without my father being heavily involved in my life and that has caused many different things (emotions, struggles,fears to name a few), over the years. And now , here I sit, typing out the thoughts of this man, or lack of man, in my life. I have been reading the book, To Own a Dragon by Don Miller. If you grew up without a dad or without a good dad then I recommend you check it out and see if it does to you, what it did to me. I have figured out, through some recent pain, that a dad's love and respect isn't something that I wanted in life but it was something that I hungered for. Here is an excerpt from the book that puts alot into perspective for me:
"I wanted to be loved, and I wasn't. I wanted to be important to my father, but I wasn't. I wanted to be guided, but I wasn't" .
And it was right there that I realized that was what i had been feeling for 25 years. All wrapped up in one significant deficit from my life. This has continually haunted me throughout my life and my decisions have sometimes fallen victim to my lack of guidance and foundation.
I sat with a counselor one time and told him how much I didn't like walking out with the coach on parents night during sports(because my parents we absent). As I talked to him, I had tears in my eyes and guess what he asked me? "Ryan, what are these tears saying?" HAHA. At first I wanted to laugh, then I wanted to punch him for asking a stupid manipulating question and it was then that I realized that throughout my life , when i get uncomfortable, with dad conversation then I shut it down. And I am now saying that I am no longer shutting down. i am willing to wrestle , fight, claw, and process, so that I won't make the same habitual mistakes that I have made all of my life.I feel more free today thanks to that STUPID question but it had to be asked. So here is to overcoming obstacles, demons, obstructions, whatever you want to call them. I am waist deep in the acceptance of God as my father and I am running wild with the anticipation of what is to come.