Dads pt 2

So last night, we went and watched Madagascar 2. And guess what the theme of this movie was? Alex's relationship with his father and his fathers expectations for who he should be as an Alpha male lion. It hit me in the face. I never had a dad to put expectations on me so guess what happened? I made up my own expectations and ideals based on what I knew and that was based on 2 things: my friends dads and television and movie dads. So it was in that, I realized that no wonder my foundation was messed up. I mean when it's Michael P. Keaton's hippie dad, Ricky Schroeders rich dad, or even Punky Brewsters adoptive father, Henry; I never had a chance. Expectations were too high to be Rambo, Michael Jordan, or even Matt McLean(Manly, high school friend). But it was in the midst of the struggle in that movie last night that I looked in front of me and I saw a great expxression of God's love for me. It was a dad and his young son watching the movie together. The dad had his arm around him and was showing him awesome amounts of affection and ya know what? The son couldn't have been happier! And that showed me that God lets me curl up in His arms( metaphorically ) and we can just sit and watch and enjoy each other. So my motive are now reshaping into what a man is and I am really starting to enjoy this life. it is opening me up into a new creation. And isn't that what Paul was talking about when he said"all things are made new". It's a process. Just like sanctification(I know, big church word). But it literally means to be set apart. And I am letting that happen. being set apart from what I was to what God wants me to be...livin the dream!

Dads

I grew up without my father being heavily involved in my life and that has caused many different things (emotions, struggles,fears to name a few), over the years. And now , here I sit, typing out the thoughts of this man, or lack of man, in my life. I have been reading the book, To Own a Dragon by Don Miller. If you grew up without a dad or without a good dad then I recommend you check it out and see if it does to you, what it did to me. I have figured out, through some recent pain, that a dad's love and respect isn't something that I wanted in life but it was something that I hungered for. Here is an excerpt from the book that puts alot into perspective for me:
"I wanted to be loved, and I wasn't. I wanted to be important to my father, but I wasn't. I wanted to be guided, but I wasn't" .
And it was right there that I realized that was what i had been feeling for 25 years. All wrapped up in one significant deficit from my life. This has continually haunted me throughout my life and my decisions have sometimes fallen victim to my lack of guidance and foundation.
I sat with a counselor one time and told him how much I didn't like walking out with the coach on parents night during sports(because my parents we absent). As I talked to him, I had tears in my eyes and guess what he asked me? "Ryan, what are these tears saying?" HAHA. At first I wanted to laugh, then I wanted to punch him for asking a stupid manipulating question and it was then that I realized that throughout my life , when i get uncomfortable, with dad conversation then I shut it down. And I am now saying that I am no longer shutting down. i am willing to wrestle , fight, claw, and process, so that I won't make the same habitual mistakes that I have made all of my life.I feel more free today thanks to that STUPID question but it had to be asked. So here is to overcoming obstacles, demons, obstructions, whatever you want to call them. I am waist deep in the acceptance of God as my father and I am running wild with the anticipation of what is to come.