Dads

I grew up without my father being heavily involved in my life and that has caused many different things (emotions, struggles,fears to name a few), over the years. And now , here I sit, typing out the thoughts of this man, or lack of man, in my life. I have been reading the book, To Own a Dragon by Don Miller. If you grew up without a dad or without a good dad then I recommend you check it out and see if it does to you, what it did to me. I have figured out, through some recent pain, that a dad's love and respect isn't something that I wanted in life but it was something that I hungered for. Here is an excerpt from the book that puts alot into perspective for me:
"I wanted to be loved, and I wasn't. I wanted to be important to my father, but I wasn't. I wanted to be guided, but I wasn't" .
And it was right there that I realized that was what i had been feeling for 25 years. All wrapped up in one significant deficit from my life. This has continually haunted me throughout my life and my decisions have sometimes fallen victim to my lack of guidance and foundation.
I sat with a counselor one time and told him how much I didn't like walking out with the coach on parents night during sports(because my parents we absent). As I talked to him, I had tears in my eyes and guess what he asked me? "Ryan, what are these tears saying?" HAHA. At first I wanted to laugh, then I wanted to punch him for asking a stupid manipulating question and it was then that I realized that throughout my life , when i get uncomfortable, with dad conversation then I shut it down. And I am now saying that I am no longer shutting down. i am willing to wrestle , fight, claw, and process, so that I won't make the same habitual mistakes that I have made all of my life.I feel more free today thanks to that STUPID question but it had to be asked. So here is to overcoming obstacles, demons, obstructions, whatever you want to call them. I am waist deep in the acceptance of God as my father and I am running wild with the anticipation of what is to come.